Thoughts on 2019 and My 2020 Word of the Year

Wowsa. It’s 2020. Happy New Year, friends!

A short word about 2019.

I swear 2019 went by with no regard for my feelings. 🤣 Jokes aside, I experienced a lot of stress, struggle and feelings of inadequacy and kind of lost myself there for a while. I have always sought to make the magic for everyone else, and ended up on empty because I was not allowing myself grace to be the magic for myself.

My word last year was “restoration” and oh.my.goodness was there continued healing and restoring of multiple facets of my life. I went through a whirlwind as I began 2019 extremely hopeful and in dire need of feeling restored. While I was consulting full time, #entrepreneurlife, we needed a consistent income. I earned my MBA in 2018, and just KNEW someone wanted to hire me by 2019 - they had to. I needed it, there was no other option. The job search began well before I graduated in 2018, but it wasn’t until after six months of graduation, that I thought I found what I was looking for… It seemed too good to be true and went really fast. Then it turned out to be fool’s gold. It served our family for a time, paid the bills (mostly), but in the end was not what my soul needed. I'm grateful for the experience, the kind people I met, the lives I was able to positively touch and inspire. However, I am equally grateful I got the hell out. It was a good fit, until it wasn’t. I consider it a great time of learning, albeit stressful, and I joke I only made it through those days because of my oils and some friends that became family.

Fall brings New Beginnings

I was determined to get to a place that I could have better work-life balance. I know the Universe knew my heart, soul, and mind NEEDED full restoration in the area of my career, and I am so excited to share here that I found a new work home at the end of 2019. One of the perks is that I also get to work FROM home, which has been absolutely amazing.

Guys, I was given a chance… I accepted and received it with exhausted little arms and happy tears. I spent a lot of my time telling myself to be content and be happy that I had a job, irrespective of how terrible it made me feel mentally and emotionally. It wasn’t until I believed I deserved better and worked towards getting out, that things started to play out. I surrendered to being restored and healed but I had some lessons to learn before being able to move forward and onto better things.

What I’ve found now is rare, which is a shame because it shouldn’t be. I work with more great people, have amazing flexibility, benefits, and get to continue in the consulting world which is my favorite. I’m learning so much, have a great mentor in my boss, co-workers and senior leaders, and have connected with people that have so much experience with great willingness and joy in sharing their knowledge.

I am eager and determined to continue my life journey, always evolving, always seeking more knowledge and defining my purpose. Over the course of my life and career, I always have gone back and forth in my mind with the “what do I want to be when I grow up” question. I’ve resolved that I want to do a lot of things because I enjoy them. I am driven by passion and emotion. Embracing change excites me, and I love people. I like working with my hands and being creative. My heart is happy seeing people flourish and find their magic. My understanding continues to grow and learn more being part of the wellness community. I can do that in so many ways through various avenues. I want to be part of the magic in helping others realize their greatness!

Welcome 2020:

DETERMINATION (n) firmness of purpose; resoluteness.

I should clarify, I’m not dropping my recent words - Healing (2018) & Restoration (2019). I am ADDING another one to my arsenal. I’m choosing to focus on and grow in these ways. While determination is my focal word, I like to think that all three of these words ebb and flow together, complimenting each other. My healing from loss and grief continues, it looks different than when tragedy struck, and it feels different today than it did last week. I still talk to Dad and my Auntie. I still cry, laugh, and get angry. But, their energy is still strong. I still feel and I still listen. They’re with me & my family always.

The past few months, ending 2019 and beginning 2020, I feel that in our family’s areas of finances, careers (between Jeff & I, and our older teens) and purpose are being unveiled and in many ways restored. What does that mean for me today? I keep allowing that evolution and reveling in the change because I am not who I was in 2019.

Defining My Purpose

Today I continue I seek to really open myself up to what my purpose is here in this human body that I’ve been honored to occupy. I know I have many skills, and it’s always been harder for me to hone in to just one area. However, I am also learning that I don’t need to compromise, or just be one thing. I also know that my existence is worth far more and greater than what I was taught by society growing up.

Historically, I was taught to keep a lid on my emotions, because they were signs of weakness. I was told that I couldn’t be certain things because I was a girl; told that my body was not my own, and that I had to surrender all rights to myself and pleasure once I got married. I was supposed to hide my magic and just support my spouse and let him shine. Serve my children and see them be successful. I was simply a vessel of bringing life and offered as a sacrifice to be a mom, forever chained to the idea that my greatest achievements would only ever be to birth, raise, discipline, send out into the world an army of children. Pretty messed up, but it was my reality only until the last decade or so, and it’s been a slow, long process of breaking the cycle in my mind that I am more than my children and spouse. I was created to be fulfilled, too. I thought there was something wrong with me for a really long time because I just never felt like housewife, trophy wife or lunch-making mom was enough. And by enough, I mean all that I was supposed to do. In my child rearing stages, wanting anything outside of being mom was frowned upon. I was so young and impressionable and didn’t know any different.

Once I realized and accepted that a lot of what I was taught made absolutely no sense, I began to allow a new perspective - I am an incredibly magical and spiritual being. I can be magical all on my own. Am I overjoyed that I actually found another soul to share this amazing life with? Hell ya. But even then, HE is not my purpose. Am I super blessed and grateful to have five amazing souls to share this life with as a guide to usher them into realizing their power in existence? Absolutely. Even then, I am still on a journey that is just for me. They’re an added bonus. I am here to experience all the magic that life and the universe has to offer me, as Mama, Wife, Lover, Maker, Healer. So first and foremost, I need to reserve some magic for myself. I know that now, so this is just the beginning of something pretty amazing.

My Determination

This year I hope to continue to align with my inner child, allowing myself to experience the beauty and magic of every moment I’m blessed with. We get so caught up in the doing, we forget to just be. Breathe it in. Bask in the moment. In 2020, I accept a greater love for myself than I have ever known, so that I may in turn give that love to others. My hope of determination for 2020 is allowing my heart to fully capture the beautiful essence of ME. I hope to understand that my purpose is to love myself so hard so that as I spread magic and make things happen for others as Mama, wife, employee, consultant, I remain constant in knowing that I deserve all of that for me, too. I know these things in my heart of hearts, but I am excited as my head catches up (slowly, but surely), because my soul is on fire and I am determined to be free from the old thought patterns, helping others and realizing my purpose is experiencing, making and spreading magic. It really looks different everyday, but I am committed to it wholeheartedly!

Thanks for letting me share my heart. I hope that 2020 brings you experience and feel what life has to offer, and may you embrace it all with grace.